unexpected (little did i know)

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it (anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet)

i want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

***

as i cracked open ee cummings' poem collections, you smiled at me. staring at me with those eyes. i took a breath and started reading the first lines and my memory took me to that day. yes - that day. the first day i met you.

i just finished church, and one of our mutual friends called to see whether i'd like to join the group for lunch. i said yes. you were there, eating whatever you ate that day. wearing whatever shirt you wore that day. i honestly didn't remember the details, but one thing for sure - i know that you were cute and i was hoping that we would get a chance to talk. but then again, you were always talking to other people.

7 months passed by, i never really heard anything about you. maybe once or twice. occasionally.

little did i know that i'd meet you again. the indonesian kids on campus decided to get together and study for the finals. i honestly was reluctant to go, but i felt the sudden urge to just drop by and study for a while. i guess you thought the same.

little did i know that after the study session was over, one of my girlfriends told me she thought you were so cute and we'll make a great couple. that was supposed to be a joke. and i never considered it.

little did i know that we'd talk on msn that same night. we ended up talking 5 hours nonstop and even made an appointment to play piano together the next day. so the next day came. i studied - again. we played hangman during the study break, remember? and then we went to the piano room.

little did i know that you were a great jazz pianist, and you enjoyed songs that i enjoyed.

little did i know that you would invite me to go eat dinner with you afterwards. and oh so little did i know that you'd ask me out for dinner the day after, and the day after, and the day after.

little did i know that you'd eventually ask me out while watching glee.

little did i know that i'd be falling for someone as wonderful as you.

i am blessed. terribly blessed. abso-flippin-lutely blessed.

you were an unexpected heaven-sent blessing. you climbed my walls. you slowly crawled into the heart i've always been protecting from love.

and for being the one whom i always wished for, prayed for, wanted, and needed...i am forever grateful.

as i whispered the last lines, you leaned in, held my hand, and said "puisinya bagus ya... sekarang aku lapar, ayo makan?"

i can't help but smile. i love you, pacar. more than you know. more than you know.

p.s. hana sudah kembaliiiii. *jreng*

p.s. lagi. si pacar ingat persis aku pakai baju apa dan makan apa waktu pertama kali kita ketemu lho.

note: image courtesy of google images

Living in lies?

Postingan kedua saya dalam sehari.
I must've been inspired.

Dan benar. Saya terinspirasi untuk menulis LAGI setelah chatting-chatting dengan dedii saya yang ganteng sendiri itu (ngerayu minta dikirimi uang jajan). Setelah berbincang-bincang ngalor-ngidul (bahasa Jawa, maksudnya bicara tentang macam-macam), kami kembali mendiskusikan kenyataan bahwa saya itu takut ketagihan.

Atau seperti dedii bilang, "ketagihan ketakutan atas ketagihan itu".

Mungkin.

Saya jelaskan mengapa saya takut ketagihan. Saya takut bahwa kalau saya terlibat, saya terlanjur memiliki emotional attachment terhadap benda/orang itu, saya akan sakit hati dikala saya kehilangan.

"Berarti intinya kamu bukan takut ketagihan...tapi paranoid about losing", begitu kata dedii.

Dan itu mungkin alasan mengapa saya takut sekali menjalin hubungan baru (hubungan boy-girl, hubungan romantis, hubungan naksir-naksiran, whatever you call it).

Selama 18 tahun hidup saya, saya baru pacaran serius SATU kali. Gebetan ada beberapa, cinta monyet juga ada, TTM juga ada (btw, TTM itu bahasa Inggrisnya Friends With Benefits). Tapi kalo pacar yang benar-benar serius cuman satu. Ya, dengan orang itu.

Cerita singkatnya: Saya pacaran. Putus karena sama-sama lelah LDR (dan dia pacaran sama cewek lain pula). Saya maapkan, dan masih sayang2 dikit. Sempet balikan. Ealah ketauan ternyata dia itu THREE timing. Gak cuman two timing lho ya, 3! Artinya there's me, him, and 2 other girls. WOW)

Setelah itu, tiba-tiba banyak kebohongan dia yang terbongkar. Dan saya merasa ditipu.
Mulai dari saat itu, kepercayaan saya padanya hancur begitu saja.

Dan selama 1 tahun lebih kami berpacaran, ada kemungkinan bahwa dia tidak hanya pacaran dengan saya. Dan dari situlah ke-paranoid-an saya berkembang.

Seperti yang saya katakan sebelumnya...saya takut bahwa kalau saya terlibat, saya terlanjur memiliki emotional attachment terhadap benda/orang itu, saya akan sakit hati dikala saya kehilangan.

I swore to myself to never let the same thing happen to me again. Ever.

I swore to give in to love 100%.
Memang kedengaran salah, tapi ini precaution sebelum hati saya hancur lagi untuk kedua kalinya.

Maybe one of these days, if I met the right person, I'll give in.

Not for now. Don't wanna live another lie.

There goes my self-esteem.

Krisis. Percaya. Diri.

Belakangan saya menghadapi macam-macam masalah dan tantangan yang membuat hati saya miris, tenaga saya terkuras, dan pikiran saya tidak tenang.

Kuliah lancar-lancar saja. Masih lulus semua mata kuliahnya. Tapi ada sebuah ketidak-tenangan yang saya rasakan belakangan. Entah mengapa saya selalu berpikir bahwa saya tidak berada di jurusan yang tepat. Ya - memang itu pilihan saya di awal, tapi dengan seiring berjalannya waktu, tiba-tiba saya meragukan SEGALA pilihan saya. Apa benar saya mau tetap di jurusan ini? Kalau iya, nanti kalau sudah lulus saya kerja jadi apa?

Kerja sampingan juga begitu. Saya ada panggilan interview besok. Saya mempertanyakan diri saya sendiri. Mampu tidak saya merespons pertanyaan-pertanyaan calon bos saya dengan cermat dan tepat? Apa saya siap untuk kerja di bidang itu?

Masalah gebetan *ahermm*... Saya masih dalam tahap pencarian. Saya bertemu dengan beberapa orang yang berpotensi jadi pacar, tapi entah mengapa, saya selalu lari dari mereka. Selalu ada sesuatu yang membuat saya turned-off. Entah itu karena mereka terlalu sering minum-minum, terlalu percaya dengan tahayul-tahayul, tidak percaya adanya Tuhan, terlalu PD, atau suka pergi ke strip club. Dan saya sering takut bahwa saya akan kehabisan pria-pria yang mapan, sepadan, seiman...*dan tampan*

Gila. Sungguh gila. Krisis percaya diri melanda, dan semua hal yang dulu saya percaya bahwa saya bisa tiba-tiba menjadi hal-hal yang saya ragukan.

Mungkin ini sebuah fase.

Seperti fase dimana saya paranoid adanya serial killer bersembunyi di kloset saya setelah menonton Criminal Minds.

Kalau memang iya, semoga saya bisa get over it, ASAP.

Hana out.

P.S. Maaf ya saya jadi curhat begini...jadi mellow begini... Semoga bisa sembuh cepat.